(#6) Too Much Input, Can’t Compute.
This week I suffered from too much input.
Way too much!
It was enough to force me to question my career path and want to retreat to a cave. While I resisted this urge, I did have a slight breakdown over my thesis and burst into tears in front of my professor when she asked how my project was going. (I believe I’m allotted at least one breakdown per semester over my thesis, and since I did not have one last semester, this was overdue). I discovered that too much input and not enough progress coupled with putting too much pressure on myself is not sustainable.
Allow me to recount my spiral:
It started with falling down a research rabbit hole over Winter Break. I simply wanted to refresh my understanding of my thesis material. Instead I began to question the foundation of my work. Then I panicked because my professor had given me a deadline of the end of January to have a draft of my Italian thesis completed by. Not only was I at a loss of what the purpose of my project was, I needed to write about it in a different language that I had not practiced intensely in months.
As you can imagine, I was feeling a bit stressed going into this semester. Wait, it gets worse: I had to explain my entire thesis to two professors and a TA whom I had never met before while feeling very confused myself. By the end of my last meeting I was holding back tears.
All the feedback I received was actually very helpful but the consensus was that my project was not conveying what I wanted it to. I knew it was true. It’s an issue that has haunted me since the beginning.
This feeling by itself is frustrating. Paired with the workload for other classes and overall confusion about the purpose of my work, I started to feel behind. I also was getting stress migraines! I took this as a sign to take a step back and make some adjustments. What can be changed? Am I really disappointing everyone?
A visual representation of the chaos I felt after being inundated with feedback: muddled.
Last week in my Renaissance art history class, we read Linda Nochlin’s seminal work “Why Have There Been No Great Women Artists?” and Joan Kelly’s “Did Women Have a Renaissance?” (please read these essays if you get the chance). The timing could not have been better. I read these essays last year in another art history class, but this week they were the inspiration I needed. A critique I have of my own project is that it is based on a piece of literature. I often question its credibility and whether or not it is a strong enough foundation for my work. Guess what the legendary Joan Kelly based her work on? Literature. Confidence regained. I also had wondered if my topic was important enough to study. According to Nochlin, yes it is. She even points out the gaps in historical knowledge about lower class women in early modern European history. And what does my thesis address? Women’s work in early modern Italy.
My breakdown led to a conversation with my professor that positively changed the direction I want to pursue with my art installation. I would not have come to this idea without this intervention. I am glad I allowed myself to make these shifts instead of being static and stubborn. Otherwise, I would have burned out.
While I anticipated making a speedy recovery from this bump in the road, it did prompt me to think about what it will be like to make art outside a critical framework like school. On one hand, the prospect of having more time and freedom for my work excites me. On the other hand, I believe the best work comes out of collaboration and critique.
Managing feedback and progression is a dance. Maybe one day I will find the balance.
